FFVIII: Cactuar Gone Wild: Prickly Intent
by Sonata-Time-Nocturne-Flare-Aoi
Summary: Complete! Squall summons Cactuar during a training session at Balamb, but it goes completely awol. What happens to everyone in the garden when a crazed, murderous cactus goes on a rampage? Dare to find out? Rated T for mild language and lots of violence!
1. Chapter 1

**Cactuar Gone Wild: Prickly Intent**

**By: **Master Jin Sonata

**Genre: **Humor/Tragedy

**Written: **November 2006

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**Disclaimer: **I do not own FF8 or any of the characters thereof.

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**Squall Leonhart**

"**Firaga!" **yelled Squall, after dodging an attack from the giant T-Rex he was fighting in the Training Center. The dinosaur growled fiercely as the fire spell damaged it greatly. It then suddenly retaliated with a tail attack, hitting Squall hard as he flew across the room and landed with a thud against the wall. After regaining his composure, Squall saw the T-Rex slowly closing in on him.

It was time to use his Guardian Force.

"**I summon you, Cactuar!"** Squall proclaimed, holding out his hand as a ray of light appeared in front of him. When it cleared, Cactuar, who was no more that a foot-tall, was standing before him. **"Attack the T-Rex!"** Squall commanded.

The Cactuar slowly turned itself around until it faced Squall. It had a rather disgruntled look on its face.

"**Don't just stand there, attack the T-Rex I said!"** Squall repeated the command.

Cactuar's eyes narrowed as an evil smile spread across its face. Squall raised an eyebrow.

"**Oh, trying to disobey my orders, eh? Well look, Cactuar, I'm the Master and you're my protector. Now attack that T-Rex before I ha—"** Squall started, before thousands of tiny sharp needles began emerging from Cactuar's skin.

"…**What are doing…?"** Squall questioned, knowing that something bad was about to happen.

From there, the last thing that was heard was Squall's cries of agony as the Cactuar unloaded a bajillion needles upon the gun-blader.

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**Cactuar Gone Wild: Prickly Intent**

**By: Master Jin Sonata**

* * *

**Headmaster Cid**

"**Yes, yes, I'll send you that report just as soon as I finish finalizing it. Okay…goodbye."**

Headmaster Cid Kramer was sitting in his office in front of a desk piled with stacks of paperwork. He had just got off the phone talking to a head rep from Galbadia.

"**Just one more page to proofread and my 1,700 page report on 'Why Balamb Should Receive More Funding' will be complete," **Cid sighed as he proceeded to check the last page of his report.

As he began checking the work, Cactuar somehow entered his office and hopped on top of his desk and faced him.

"**Hmm? **Cid said as he looked up and saw the little Guardian Force staring at him.** "What are you doing in my office?" **he questioned.

Cactuar turned and looked at the stacks of papers on his desk, then turned back to the Headmaster. It then hopped off of his desk.

"**That was odd…"** Cid shrugged as he resumed his work.

Cid's desk then began moving away from him.

"**What?!"** Cid exclaimed as he leaned over and saw Cactuar pushing his desk toward an open window on the opposite side of his office. **"No! Wait, don't!!"** the Headmaster pleaded, but to no avail, as Cactuar shoved the desk against the window, forcing all of his papers to slide off and fly out the window. Cid ran to the window and witnessed his papers flutter away in the wind.

"**You!"** Cid growled, his face turning beet-red with anger. **"15 years of work ruined!"** he lashed out, making an attempted to capture Cactuar, but missed. Cactuar proceed to bounce out of his officer, with Cid in close pursuit.

Minutes later, the chase was still on as they neared the Infirmary. Cactuar turned sharply into Dr. Kadowaki's office, while Cid did the same.

**WHAM!**

Cid had collided with Dr. Kadowaki herself, and had fallen over onto her. The Cactus used this opportunity to flee the scene.

At that same moment, Cid's wife, Edea, was entering the Infirmary.

"**Dr. Kadawaki, are you here? I have a message f—"** she said, before stopping dead in her tracks as she saw Cid lying on top of the Doctor in a daze.

"**CID KRAMER! HOW DARE YOU!"** she fumed angrily as she stomped toward the Headmaster, who was just now shaking off the effects of the impact and realizing the predicament he was in.

"**Honey, I can explain!"** the Headmaster said, but Edea didn't buy it.

The smacking of Edea's hand across Cid's face echoed across the entire Garden, enough for all the students to stop and wonder what just happened.

But where was Cactuar now?

**End of Chapter 1**

**Next:: Zell and Seifer**


	2. Chapter 2

**Zell Dincht**

Zell was in his bedroom using his punching bag to practice his punches and kicks. After a brief break, Zell flopped down on his bed to catch his breath.

"**Whew! I'm beat!"** he said, huffing and puffing. He turned his head to the side and was suddenly face to face with Cactuar. **"Whoa!"** he yelped, jumping away from the Cactus and landing on the floor with a crash. Zell got up and shook his head.

"**Say, aren't you Squall's GF? Ooh! I bet you're here to get a sneak peek of my latest moves!"** Zell grinned, rubbing his head. He walked over to his giant punching bag and cracked his knuckles.

"**This is what I call my 'Fury Combo'"** Zell said, as he reared back to throw several punches into the bag.

Before he was ready, Cactuar sped toward the punching bag and leaped into it, popping the bag instantly. Zell saw this much too late, for instead of striking the bag, his fist flew past it and punched a gaping hole through his bedroom wall.

"**What the…"** Zell said, pulling back his fist and peeking into the newly made hole. Zell then stared blankly at Selphie in the next room, who was in the middle of drying off after taking a shower.

"**ZELL YOU PERVERT!"** Selphie screamed at him. **"I'M TELLING IRVINE!"** she said furiously, before stuffing an object into the hole to cover it up. Zell was on the verge on getting a nosebleed at what he just saw.

"**This is your fault, Cactuar!"** Zell yelled out, trying to look for the little GF, but to no avail. That's when Zell was suddenly knocked face-first to the ground by Cactuar, who had snuck up from behind and head-butted him from behind.

**WHUMP!**

Cactuar then bounced over him and made his way back out toward the hallway.

"**Hey! Get back here! You owe me a new punching bag!"** he yelled as he got up on his feet and went after it.

Later, Zell ended up near the Cafeteria area. **"Dang it, I lost him,"** Zell said. His stomach then began to rumble. **"Man, all that running made me hungry! Time for a hot-dog run!"** Zell said, making his way into the Cafeteria. When he stepped inside, he saw that the lines were outrageously long. **"Oh man, I'm gonna be here forever!"** he complained, putting his hands behind his head and began whistling while waiting in line.

After about a minute, Cactuar snuck in behind Zell, and extended a long, sharp needle from within his stubby arm. He then grinned evilly and shoved the needle right up Zell's ass.

**DOINK**!

"**YEEEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!"** Zell screamed as he flew several feet in the air clear over the other students in line, and fell over the kitchen counter, landing on the stoves and knocking over several pots of boiling hotdogs, which tipped over and spilled on top of him as well.

Seifer, who was in the area when it happened, ran over to the scene of the crime and grinned in satisfaction. **"Detention for you, Chicken-wuss"** Seifer said, whipping out a notebook and writing Zell's detention slip.

**Seifer Almasy**

After dragging a severely burned Zell into the Infirmary and showering him with disciplinary notices, Seifer continued his rounds of patrolling the garden.

"**Man today's been a slow day. Nobody's gotten into trouble at all today except for Chicken-wuss,"** Seifer grumbled, as he paced around the Garden, hands tucked away in his grey trench coat. After turning around about to head back the Cafeteria, he stopped as Cactuar was standing in front of him, in his way.

"**Hey! Aren't you Puberty-boy's stupid little GF?"** Seifer said, looking down at the little Cactus. **"What are you doing wandering about the Garden?"** he continued, before having a grand idea. **"I can give Squall extra detention for letting his GF wander about Balamb without a hall-pass!"** he said, proceeding to turn and head to the Training Center were Squall was.

Before Seifer could get far, Cactuar slid under Seifer's coat and pulled down his pants, causing Seifer to trip over them and fall over onto the ground, revealing his yellow Chocobo underwear he wore underneath.

"**H-hey you little runt!"** Seifer said, as he turned over to pull them back up. As he did, Cactuar reached into the lining of his coat and pulled out Seifer's Hyperion Gunblade and began running away with it. **"Oh no you don't!"** Seifer yelled, as he got up and hopped after Cactuar while zipping up his pants.

He eventually caught up to Cactuar, who was standing on the railing out side in the Quad, dangling Seifer's gunblade over the edge.

"**Oh no you don't!"** Seifer growled, as he sped up running to catch Cactuar and reclaim his Gunblade. Cactuar let the Gunblade drop over the edge, and Seifer, without hesitating, jumped over the railing after it. As Seifer fell, he eventually caught up to his weapon and grabbed it.

"**Ha! Gotch—"** Seifer said, before landing in a giant dumpster at the bottom of the drop-off. As Seifer raised the lid of the dumpster and tried to stand, Cactuar hopped down from above and stomped on top of the lid, forcing Seifer back down inside. It then proceeded to latch the dumpster shut before kicking it, sending it rolling down the side of Balamb Garden, tumbling down a hill along the way.

This was only the beginning of Cactuar's rampage.

**End of Chapter 2**

_**Coming soon: Selphie & Irvine**_


	3. Chapter 3

**Irvine Kinneas**

"**Ah yeah, and how are my little beauties doing today?"** the cowboy asked as he opened his bedroom closet where his assortment of guns were stored. He walked in a looked left and right at his lavish collection of rifles and shotguns.

"**Whom should I shine today?"** he asked, before grabbing his Exeter and walking back to his bed.

That's when he saw Cactuar sitting on his bed looking at him.

"**Hello little Cactuar,"** Irvine said coolly to the little Cactus. **"Come to watch me clean my gun?"** he added, sitting on the bed next to him. And pulling out a white clothe.

The Cactuar then jumped up and bounced toward Irvine's gun closet. It opened it, went inside, and then closed it shut. Irvine quickly stood up and strode to the closet as well.

"**Hey hey, now, only I'm allowed to be in there,"** Irvine said as he opened the door to find Cactuar facing right at him, holding one of his guns pointing directly at Irvine's face.

Irvine backed up a bit and grinned.

"**You like guns too I see. It's a shame that you wont be able to use it since I keep all my bullets in my pocket,"** he said, reaching into his pants pocket to show Cactuar, but realized that they were empty. Irvine looked up to see that Cactuar had stolen them.

Cactuar gave Irvine a menacing smile and fired the Exeter at him. It shot a hole straight through the middle of Irvine's cowboy hat. Irvine didn't flinch but raised an eyebrow at him.

"**You think you are so cool by trying to prove you can use a gun. Too bad you'll never shoot as well as me,"** Irvine said, tipping his ruined hat.

**BLAM!!!**

Cactuar shot again, this time, blowing Irvine's cowboy hat clear off his head, leaving the center part of his hair charred black with little wisps of smoke trailing off of it.

"**Oh now you've done it,"** Irvine said, looking a bit miffed now as he went to pull out a spare pistol out of his side pocket. However, he was too late as Cactuar then hurled the shotgun at Irvine, hitting his in the face, knocking him out cold.

Cactuar picked up the gun he had tossed, reloaded, and took it out into the hallway.

**Selphie Tilmitt**

"**There! That should do it!"**

Selphie was in another section of the Quad making the final touches to the stage she built for the Garden's upcoming summer concert. The stage, decorated with strobe lights and posters of the featured bands, was all in place to her satisfaction.

But something was missing….

"**Oh! I forgot to plug I the lights. But the space behind the stage to the socket is too small for me to reach…"** she sighed. That's when Cactuar hopped up to her from behind, pointing the gun it stole from Irvine straight at Selphie's back. Selphie turned around and saw the little Cactus in an instant.

"**Oh hiya little Cactuar! Whatcha got there?"** she asked it. A sweat-drop appeared on Cactuar's face as he quickly discarded the gun before Selphie knew what it really had in its hands.

"**Ooh! Since you are here, how about helping me do something?"** she asked, bending down and playfully tickling Cactuar under the chin. Another sweat-drop appeared on Cactuar's face.

"**Now, I want you to go over behind the stage and plug in the cord into the socket so all the pretty lights can come on,"** she instructed as she picked up Cactuar and set him near the back of the stage.

A huge-ass sweat-drop rolled down Cactuar's face as it tried to think up of a way to rid Selphie once and for all.

"**Okay! While you do that, I'm going to grab a few things out of my toolbox!"** she said cheerfully.

She turned away and skipped toward her toolbox. When she got what she wanted, she turned around and witnessed her entire stage set completely aflame in a massive bonfire.

At that time Cactuar was already gone as well. It grabbed Irvine's gun once again and ran out of there as fast as it could. It would have to come back and rid Selphie another time, but until then…

**Next: Quistis & Edea, Coming Soon.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Quistis Trepe**

Some time later, Cactuar bounced his way into the second-floor classroom sector of the Garden where he slipped into the room where Quistis was teaching.

"**And now class, turn off your computers, for you're going to see a slide-show on the monsters of the world in their natural habitat,"** Quistis said to the class while pulling down a projector screen.

Cactuar slipped in and made his way toward the back of the class. When he found a good focal point, he aimed Irvin's gun directly at Quistis's head.

"**Alright, I think we're almost set. Now, who wants to help me with the slides?"** Quistis asked her class. All of the students reluctantly raised their hands. That's when Quistis spotted Cactuar hiding near in the back.

_"Hmm? Is that Squall's Cactuar back there? What's he doing wandering about? Oh well, I read somewhere that Cactuars are pretty intelligent. Let's put it to the test,"_ Quistis thought. She cleared her throat.

"**Cactuar, I choose you,"** she said.

Cactuar set Irvine's gun down and peeked his head around the corner into view. He was a bit frustrated for not shooting her earlier. So, he willingly made his way to the front of the class and hopped onto the desk where the slide-projector sat.

"**Okay, little guy, when I give you the okay, I want you press this little button on this machine to change to the next slide,"** Quistis instructed. **"Here you go,"** she continued, giving Cactuar the disk to put into the machine.

At that moment, she turned around and went to turn the classroom lights off.

This gave Cactuar the chance to start screwing things up. He tossed away the disk and went into her desk drawer. Seconds later, he popped back out with another disk he found hidden within Quistis's stuff. He popped that one into the machine instead. The entire class looked at what Cactuar was doing in curiosity.

After the lights went out, Quistis returned to the desk and turned toward the class.

"**Okay, let's begin the lesson on 'Monsters in their Natural Habitat'. Roll the fist slide, please,"** Quistis said to Cactuar, her attention still toward her students.

"**Observe the first slide of the ferocious T-Rex in his marked territory."**

Cactuar grinned and clicked the button. The slide showed Quistis wearing a black dominatrix suit while holding a whip and a pretty scared Zell stripped to nothing but his underwear and tied to her bed.

The entire class all gasped in shock at what they were seeing. Quistis didn't turn to see the slide yet.

"**Yes, pretty fascinating, isn't it? Next slide please. In this picture, you see a group of Grats gathering with others of its kind."**

Cactuar clicked the button for the next slide. This time, it showed her, Nida, Xu, and the Card Queen all laying passed out drunk while holding beer bottles at the Garden's Secret Spot.

The entire class then started busting-up laughing at that slide.

"**What's so funny? No matter, next slide please. Here you'll observe a Buel ready to attack its prey in the Fire Caverns,"** Quistis continued.

Cactuar proceeded to the next slide, where it showed Quistis shining a big-ass shotgun with the words 'All Trepies Will Die' engraved on the handle.

Everyone in the class began cringing in fear.

"**What is up with you people today? Moving on to the last slide, you'll see two Malboros mating with each other in tender love."**

Cactuar clicked the next slide, which showed Quistis passionately locking lips with the Library Girl with the pigtails (the one Zell likes).

The entire class cheered in an uproar while whistling flirtingly at their teachers.

That's when Quistis finally turned around at saw the screen.

"**Goddammit!"** Quistis yelled as she rushed over and turned the projector off herself. She shot an angry look at Cactuar.

"**Where did you find my secret photos? Now my reputation's ruined!!!!"** she yelled at the little Cactuar while she grabbed her chain-whip. **"Take this!"** she yelled, flinging her whip at Cactuar.

Cactuar quickly dodges the attack, the whip however swings over and smashes into Quistis's computer monitor, electrocuting her whip and shocking her with 10,000 volts of electricity. Quistis was then jettisoned across the class and crashes out the second-floor window.

While the rest of the class was looking out the broken window for their teacher, Cactuar grabbed the gun once again and made its way out.

**Edea Kramer**

After Edea had finished smacking her husband Cid to next Tuesday in the Infirmary, she left and made her way down one of Balamb's corridors. She turned the corner and saw Cactuar with Irvine's gun in hand.

"**Squall's Cactuar? What are you doing out h-"** Edea started to say, but was immediately shot by Cactuar. Afterwards, Cactuar continued his rounds of destruction around the Garden.

_**Next: Raijin & Fujin, Coming Soon!**_


	5. Chapter 5

**Raijin**

Raijin was pacing back and forth just outside of the Garden's entrance. He was holding a bouquet of flowers and was wearing a tie over his usual clothing. Moments later, he saw Fujin drive across the front of the Garden's roadway and park on the side. Raijin immediately dove into some bushes before she could notice him. 

"**Man oh man, there she is…"** he said, peeking around the corner to get a glimpse of her. That's when he felt something bump into his foot.

It was Cactuar, who was staring up at him curiously.

**"Oh…hello little dude. Bet you're wondering why I'm hiding from Fujin. You see, I'm in love with her, ya know?"**

Cactuar cocked its head to the side when he said this.

**"This is a bit embarrassing, but I think you wouldn't mind. Every time I'm near her, I just feel so strange inside. She's a woman of few words, but it somehow turns me on, ya know?"**

Cactuar blinked at Raijin as he continued.

**"Now I want to tell her how I feel, but I just can't muster up the courage to do so, ya know? If you've felt her kicks to the gut, you'd know, ya know?"**

A sweat-drop appeared on Cactuar's forehead. It appeared a bit bored of his rant.

**"Say, I have an idea. Why don't you pretend to be Fujin for me, so I can practice on how to approach her, ya know?"**

Cactuar now had a 'what the hell' look on its face. Raijin picked up Cactuar and placed him on a ledge at eye level to him.

**"Okay, here we go: Fujin, baby, how's it going?"**

Cactuar kicked Raijin in the nose after he said that.

"**Ow!!! No good then, eh?"** he asked, rubbing his nose. **"Okay, I'll try this: Hey cutie, that eyepatch suits you…"**

Cactuar then poked him in the eye after he said that.

"**Yeow!!! No good either?"** he said, rubbing his eye.

**"Okay then, how about this one: I have a crush on you, you wanna go on a date or something?"**

Cactuar looked at Raijin for a second, before hopping down onto the ground.

"**Well, what do you know? I guess that's the perfect thing to say then, ya know?"** he said, scratching his head and smiling in satisfaction, not noticing that Cactuar had went behind him and was preparing to poke him in the butt with one of its sharp needles.

**DOINK!!!!**

"**WHOA-HO-HO-HO!!!!"** Raijn yelled as he flew high into the air and landed out in the main roadway with a crash. A semi-truck then came, narrowly missing him as it collided with several other cars coming down the road. A final large explosion shot Raijin out from the accident scene toward Fujin's car.

**Fujin**

Fujin stepped out of her brand new car she had just bought and shut the door. As she began walking away from it, she heard a loud noise of glass crashing from behind her. She quickly spun around to see a burnt-black Raijin was crashed headfirst into her front window, also leaving a deep dent in her car's hood.

"**RAAAAAAAGGGGGGEEEEEE!!!!!"** she yelled angrily, stomping toward her car, grabbing Raijin from the legs and yanking him out. She then proceeded to kick the crap out of Mr. Ya-Know, shouting one-word explicates at the same time.

While she was preoccupied with Raijin, Cactuar managed to sneak Fujin's keys from her pocket and hop into the driver's seat of the car.

When she was finished, Fujin stomped off toward the Garden, when she heard a familiar beeping of a horn from behind. She spun around again, only having enough time to scream as Cactuar ran her over with her own car.

Cactuar turned and sped up the stairs and drove into the entrance of the Garden, destroying everything in its path during the GF's reckless driving.

**_Next: Rinoa and Laguna, Coming Soon!_**


	6. Chapter 6

**Rinoa Heartilly**

Rinoa drove into parking lot of Balamb Garden and got out, carrying several shopping bags from her trip to the mall earlier that day. She approached the large staircase near the entrance, when she heard the sound of ambulance sirens. She looked around and spotted the ambulance and several police cars surrounding a small area where it seemed a murder scene took place. Two chalk outlines of two bodies were clearly visible on the pavement.

"_Oh my…"_ she thought. _"I hope Squall wasn't involved in that. He can do some pretty irrational stuff, especially when I kept buying him those cute pink sweaters with the hearts every week for the past two years. But not this time! I got him a purple gunblade for his upcoming birthday tomorrow!"_ she thought, smiling.

She sighed as she made her way up the steps. At the top, she gasped when she saw the large hole created in the Garden's main doors.

"_What on earth is going on here?"_ she thought, slowing peeking inside.

The whole entrance inside was completely trashed. Benches broken in two, the entry gates destroyed, black tire marks scattered across the floor, fountains punctured by several needles.

The entire Garden was silent.

She dropped her bags in complete shock.

"**Hello?"** she called out, but there was no answer.

Just then, someone started walking onto the scene…someone short and green, that is…

It was Cactuar, and it was completely dressed up in a replica of Squall's outfit, from the black jeans, fur-collared jacket, to the belts and a miniature-sized gunblade strapped to its side.

"**Aw, how cute! You like your master Squall so much, you dressed up as him!"** Rinoa said to the Cactuar, bending over to pet the cactus. **"So, could you tell me what happened around here?"** she asked.

Cactuar shrugged before taking out its mini-gunblade and readying it.

"**Say, that's a cute little gunblade you got there. I got a new one for Squall while I was out shopping. You wanna see?"** Rinoa asked, bending over and searching through one of her bags.

This gave Cactuar the perfect opportunity to strike Rinoa down. It charged itself up, ready to perform Squall's Renzokuken limit break, when Rinoa's dog Angelo came into view. Angelo was in pretty bad shape as it limped toward Rinoa, as though someone attacked it. It whimpered as it reached her owner.

"**Angelo!!!" What happened? Who did such a horrible thing to you?"** she asked, cuddling her hurt dog.

Angelo looked at Cactuar with a worried look as it whined, trying to tell Rinoa that Cactuar did this to him, but Rinoa didn't quite get the hint of what it was trying to say to her.

"**Here, let me give you a doggy biscuit,"** Rinoa said, peering into another bag to get her dog one.

Cactuar smiled evilly as it detected the blade from its mini-gunblade and pointed the pistol at Angelo, which suddenly shot out a scorching wave of fire at the dog, roasting it in seconds.

"**Here you go,"** Rinoa said as she turned back to Angelo with a doggy treat, only to scream at the sight of her dog turned into a hot-dog on a bun with mustard with a side of relish.

"**W-what…what's going on h—"** she tried to say, scared, before she was decimated by Cactuar who did the Renzokuken, followed by a 10,000 needle finisher.

**Laguna Loire**

Laguna was in his presidential office at Esthar. He picks up the phone and dials the number Balamb Garden.

**"My son's birthday is tomorrow, so I'll give him an early 'Happy Birthday' greeting to him today!"**

The phone rang, and then went to the 'leave a message' voice.

"_**I'm sorry, the person you are trying to contact may be dead, or will be destroyed soon. To leave a message that nobdy will hear, press 1, to speak to a nearby hostage, press 2, for 10,000 needles in your face, press 3."**_

Laguna looked around his office in suspicion. He then slowly moved his finger toward one of the three numbers on the dial-pad.

Outside his office Kiros and Ward stood there wide-eyed as they heard Laguna scream in agony moments later.

**Final Chapter: Balamb Garden's Last Stand, coming soon!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Balamb Garden's Last Stand**

Cactuar had nearly succeeded in destroying Balamb Garden and its students and faculty.

It was time for him to make his final attack.

He headed toward the Garden's armory and began stocking up.

**Meanwhile…**

Squall walked out of the Training Center, completely covered head to toe in needles. He plucked a few needles away from his eyes and looked around. Moments later, Quistis entered the scene, charred and burnt. She shrieked when see saw Squall looking like a pincushion.

"**Squall!!! What on earth…"** she began to say, clasping her mouth in shock.

"**Cactuar,"** Squall grumbled, interrupting her.

Irvine and Selphie came into view next.

"**Oh no! The little guy got you too?"** Selphie asked, worried.

"**Yeah. What happened to you two? You don't look hurt,"** Squall asked.

"**That little guy burned down my stage for this summer's Garden Festival!"** Selphie said as she started to cry. Irvine went to comfort her.

"**That little sucker stole my favorite shot-gun!"** Irvine said.

"**Well, that can't be as bad as being embarrassed in front of my students after my secret life was revealed!"** Quistis intervened.

"**How would you like it if you caught your husband with another woman!"** said Edea, walking up from behind them. **"That thing shot me! Good thing I had something hard under my gown to deflect the bullets," she added.** Cid followed from behind.

"**But I'm telling you! It wasn't what you think!!!"** Cid tried to explain to Edea, but she still wouldn't listen.

"**Okay, where's that little bastard?"** Seifer yelled as he approached everyone, pulling his pants up in the process. He was reeking of garbage.

"_I'm not even going to ask…"_ Squall thought, holding is nose.

"**That little punk made me get blown up in a car-pile-up today, ya know!!!"** said Raijin, walking in, looking like he came back from the dead. Fujin followed, tire-tracks all over he body.

"**Eeep!!! What happened to you two?"** Selphie squealed.

"**CACTUAR. US, ZOMBIES,"** Fujin replied, looking undead like Raijin.

Moments later, Rinoa ran toward Squall and wrapped her arms around him. She was cut up and covered in needles as well.

"**Oh Squally, look what that Cactuar did to my poor Angelo and me!!!"** she said, showing him a plate with a roasted hotdog sitting on it.

Then, Headmaster Cid's cell phone started ringing.

"**Hello?"** Cid responded.

"_**Hello, this is President Loire. Your needle-ridden phone-line almost killed me!"**_ Laguna spoke, whining like a little kid.

"**What should we do? Your Cactuar is killing up everybody!"** Edea said to Squall.

"**I say we destroy the little so-in-so!"** Seifer suggested, drawing his gunblade.

"**What we need is a plan. I don't know what's gotten into that little thing, but we need to take down that little misbehaving GF,"** Squall said. **"Everyone, huddle, I've got an idea."**

And with that, they formulated a plan to rid Cactuar once and for all.

**Later That Night**

**CRASH!!!**

Cactuar kicked open the doors of the Garden's armory. He was sporting black 'Terminator' sunglasses while carrying every gun, sword, axe, whatever weapon known to man. He stepped out and began walking through the quiet Garden.

As it wandered near the Quad, a rain of gunfire suddenly ambushed him. Cactuar looked up and spotted Irvine shooting at him front atop of a ledge. Cactuar retaliated by whipping out a rocket-launcher and shooting a round at Irvine, blowing him up on impact.

"**Irvy!!!"** yelled Selphie, jumping out in front of him with her giant nun-chucks. Cactuar brought out some nun-chucks of his own and the two began battling each other. Cactuar managed to get the upper hand, and began beating the living snot out of Selphie.

After the deadly beating, Cactuar headed toward the Infirmary. Once there, Cid shoved a large wooden desk in front of the cactus, in hopes to smash it against the wall. Cactuar hopped on top of it just in time before it sandwiched him.

Immediately after, Edea used her sorcery and threw ice-shards at the cactus. Cactuar caught one of them and threw it back at Edea's neck, killing her. Cid tried to go and help her, but Cactuar kicked the desk back at him, knocking him and Edea through the wall and out the second floor of the building.

Cactuar then proceeded to the Second Floor classrooms.

Inside the classroom, both Quistis and Rinoa assaulted Cactuar. Quistis began lashing at Cactuar with her whip, while Rinoa shoot blades at it using her arm-shooter. The cactus dodged behind an empty desk and took out a grenade and tossed it at the two girls.

"**Watch out!!!"** yelled Rinoa, as they batted the grenade back at Cactuar. Cactuar panicked and ran out the room, just in time before it ignited. Both Quistis and Rinoa followed.

The chase took them outside into the parking lot. There, Raijin and Fujin were in a car, and when they spotted Cactuar, the started driving toward them at top speed. Cactuar just stood there until Quistis and Rinoa caught up to him. Diving away in time, he let the duo crash their car into the two girls, the accident ending with a giant explosion, incinerating everyone.

After they were taken care of, Cactuar went back into the Garden, where he ran into Squall and Seifer, who had both of their ultimate gunblades drawn.

"_**He must have killed the others. So what's the plan, Puberty-Boy?"**_ Seifer whispered to Squall.

"_**We perform our ultimate Limit Break techniques,"**_ Squall whispered back.

Cactuar drew his little miniature gunblade and got ready.

"**Now!"** Squall proclaimed, as the two began charging toward Cactuar to defeat it.

Cactuar grinned evilly as he pulled the trigger of his gunblade. A little compartment opened up, squirting oil onto the ground. The two gunbladers suddenly slipped and fell, impaling themselves on their own gunblades.

There were two left to destroy.

Cactuar headed back into the Infirmary. There, he saw that Zell was just now waking up after a long rest from his accident in the Cafeteria. He was laying in bed, bandaged from head to toe, and had his arm and leg on a sling. He saw a shadow enter the room.

"**Nurse, is that you? Is it time for my shots?"** Zell asked, but got no response. **"Who's there?"** Zell asked again, a bit scared now.

Cactuar rose up from the side of the bed, now wearing doctor's scrubs, smiling evilly.

"**Oh, uh, hi dude, what are you doing here?"** Zell asked.

Without hesitation, Cactuar lifted his arm up at Zell's face, and a big-ass needle rose out of it.

Zell's screams were the last thing ever heard out of the Garden from that day forth.

**The Next Day…**

**In The Realm of The Guardian Forces**

Cactuar appeared before a teleporter after it had sent him to the mystical realm where the Guardian Forces resided. He walked through the large area, where many GF's were lounging and chatting with one another. He approached Ifirit.

"**So you're back, huh?"** the fire GF roared at him.

"**Yeah, I destroyed everyone at Balamb Garden in one day like I said I would,"** Cactuar said, helping himself to a drink.

"**Hold on a sec! We saw the whole thing! You didn't rid that Laguna jerk in Esthar!!!"** Ifirit protested.

"**Did I?"** Cactuar said slyly, pressing a button a nearby remote, turning on the TV. On the screen showed Cactuar pressing down a lever, blowing up the entire city of Esthar as he watched from afar just before midnight.

"**Damn! Fine, you win the bet,"** Ifirit grumbled, handing Cactuar a big bag of cash.

"**See? Told you I can take on any bet anyone throws at me,"** Cactuar said, kissing his reward in happiness.

**The End!**

* * *

_**Well, how was it? Tell me what you think!**_

Check out the sequel to this fic: **Cactuar Gone Wild 2: World Tour**, already up!


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